You may recall that one of my first blog posts was about becoming older than my mother. Yes, technically in months and weeks, I have surpassed her, but neither of us are going to reach 45.
I am back in hospital again. A different one. Nurses are doing everything for me to conserve my energy to concentrate on breathing and spending time with family and friends.
The cancer has won and there’s nothing more to be done.
When I was telling you about my triple negative cancer, I told you how the median survivability after a stage 4 diagnosis was 12.9 months, which is November for me. That seemed preposterous at the time as I had been feeling so well. I can’t believe I’ve become such a cliche.
It is now about managing my symptoms and trying to give me some quality of life. Today the left side of my torso joined my left arm in becoming completely numb. It is weeks to live not more. And maybe not many weeks. But who knows?
I am not in any pain. I am not afraid (yet).
This would be a very different experience if I had a family. I would’ve liked to have had a family, but maybe this is why it didn’t happen. I think I would have been a good mother. I don’t think I would be handling this as calmly if I had to think about my children growing up without me and missing all those important milestones in their lives.
Of course, I am sad for my friends and family. My Dad has had to endure so much grief in his life. It is totally unfair.
Can I leave you with any advice before I shuffle off this mortal coil? Be kind. Be kind to others. Be kind to yourself. Don’t put off what you want to do until it’s too late. Laugh. Smile. Love people and tell them before it’s too late. If you’re a smart cookie, never dumb yourself down to make other people more comfortable. Be as lucky as I was and surround yourself with the most loyal and supportive friends in the world. And remember, life is too short to skip dessert!
